Tour Report: Bahamas 2003

by Sebastian Gibbs

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Spring Break is a time for mirth, merriment, and apparently rugby. Seventeen noble Carolina rugby players set out on the arduous drive from Chapel Hill down to Fort Lauderdale to catch the ‘Cruise-ship’ to the Bahamas at the start of the Spring Break week. Seventeen maybe, but only fourteen able bodied players were present. Greeted by the Florida rain and clouded sky, we boarded the cruise-ship minus one Scottish Dave Riddle as a result of some missing immigration papers and almost losing Adam ‘Wayne’ Blake because apparently a military ID is not a valid form of ID unless you are actually in the military. However despite these mishaps, the cruise left with sixteen of us aboard heading for the Bahamian sun in the middle of a Floridian downpour. To the musical croonings (or anguished screams) of Freeport Anthony, most of us tried to keep dry and warm on the top deck of the ship whilst a few of us were fortunate enough to get a little shuteye here and there. This was a curious and most unexpected start to a Caribbean rugby tour.

The first stop in the taxi from the port to the hotel was provided by our cab drivers which proved most ample in supplying us with our ‘consumer’ needs for the next four days. The beach near our hotel was beautiful and for those of us who had never been to the Caribbean before it was truly a sight to enjoy. It wasn’t long after our arrival that we had to head into the town center for some food and the aforementioned merriment. Ryan ‘Captain Stabbin’ ‘Bob Ross’ Bartley was unable to partake in this endeavor as a result of some freak alcohol consumption ending with an inability to maintain consciousness. That evening we explored the town center and enjoyed the entertainment that was available. Rob (the self proclaimed ‘Gov’) Leichner had an encounter with Bob Ross’ fabled long lost sister whilst the rest of us enjoyed the tamer varieties of local wildlife. On the return from Port Lukaya, some night watersports were enjoyed by many, whilst antics around the rooms populated only by Spring Breakers were partaken in by the rest of the Rugby players.

The second day in the Bahamas hailed our first full day on the beach where Captain Stabbin truly made his presence felt at Pirates of the Bahamas. Valentine’s megaphone was aptly suited to the Captain’s individual style of enticing the beach wildlife, especially the interests of one Cristina from UNC Charlotte whom we would like to congratulate on making the Dean’s List last semester. That evening came our first rugby game, hosted by the Freeport Men’s club where we enjoyed some fierce competition. Dan ‘Buckeye Slayer’ Solter opened the scoring after a well executed DSP from fly half Dave Riddle who arrived only moments before we were supposed to leave for the game. Some miscommunication in the backs led to Freeport capitalizing with their pace-ridden backs and sevens-like gameplay, but this proved to be a learning experience for all. We pulled ahead just before the end, but because of the loss of many key players like fly half Dave Riddle, and man of the match fullback Seb Gibbs; Freeport scored a last gasp try to clinch the 26-22 victory. We were very well received and kindly hosted by the team, and all enjoyed the competition that we were offered. Later that night celebrations abounded at the enjoyment we had all had that day. Michael ‘Dumbass’ Burrows took a break from his tour long womanizing and ‘big-pimping’ to sample some of the Bahamian rum and was unable to remain in Port Lukaya for the entire evening. He was nursed by Brian Moon – the parent of the tour, and was later slapped around a little by the Captain.

The next day was certainly one of rest and recuperation for all and was spent largely relaxing on the beach, playing volleyball, football and getting sunburned. Adam Koh’s legendary landshark made it from the hotel to the beach, a good five minute walk, and the Belasian himself astounded onlookers with his formidable foliage. The third night led to Port Lukaya once more where Michael Burrows performed to his usual caliber in taking triple X rated body shots off the ‘naval’ of a girl we would see a little too much of than we would have liked. David Cook made good use of his crutches on the dance floor and as always enjoyed the company of the Women’s rugby team. Doug Neal’s cherry red face and grinning countenance were enjoyed by all as he flitted from stall to stall in the market place with every member of the team at some point that night. Many players went on booze cruises, with Derek Rapp and Seb Gibbs buying tickets to the wrong one, and getting hassled for favors of various sorts by some undesirables. Dumbass Mike and the Buckeye Slayer had a brief stay in the Police Station after attempting to thieve in Port Lukaya. On our return to the hotel, the fun continued à la Jojo, and sleep wasn’t had for many an hour.

The next day again hailed the arrival of more rugby hosted at the Freeport Men’s club. El Presidente We were all a little sluggish on the pitch that day, and with more injuries, we mixed and matched players in a shortened game against the same side we played two days earlier. This was a far more uneven contest given our weakened condition as a team, and Freeport’s strength in numbers when they included their youth team. We went down by a far greater margin than we had done previously, and lost Seb Gibbs to a brutal shot to the back of the head which resulted in several stitches administered in a butcher-like fashion in a Bahamian hospital that was “decidedly ghetto.” Doug Neal was named man of the match and donned the Rasta hat in celebration of yet another of his fine performances. The events of that night were again legendary in their depravity, with a minor incident involving frat boys from several colleges combining to assault the fragile countenance of one unnamed member of our team which led to an even longer stay of absence from the pitch than we had all anticipated. Adam Koh was once again on fine form as one of the most scantily clad and memorable characters from the tour. Silent Andy Lester also made a name for himself with the ladies team that night as a white man who apparently can dance. Kangaroo court was held on the beach near our hotel and was a scene of much merriment and jocularity. Andy Patterson was the cause of much laughter because of his inability to stand or be remotely capable of consuming intoxicating substances. As always those responsible for being idiotic in the face of everyday life were brought to justice and a great time was had by all.

Many thanks to the President, David Cook, for organizing the tour, and to all those who drove from Chapel Hill. God save the Queen.

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Created Jan 03, 2006. 01:00 pm
Modified Jan 03, 2006. 01:00 pm